Tuesday, October 15, 2013

my baby, my angel

I have been thinking about this post for quite a few months, And couldn't think of a better time than "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day" 

On June 20th we found out that we were expecting another baby!  We were so excited! Surprised, but excited. We knew our babies would be close in age, but it was something I always wanted. 

Things seemed to be going along great, and the pregnancy was similar to Wes'.  I scheduled my first OB appointment and was so excited to go and hear the heartbeat. From our experience with Wes, we were very nervous!  We started the ultrasound and saw our little baby for the first time!  The baby was measuring a little less than 6 weeks which was a week "off" from my projected due date which initially scared me, but my OB said that it was common with women with PCOS. 

About five days after my appointment, I started to spot and I freaked. However, I spotted with Wes as well around the general time so I tried to keep calm. I went to my parents house for 10 days and stopped spotting after three days. I thought things were good. On the way home we stopped in Kingman,AZ and the bleeding started again. 

I quickly scheduled an appointment with my OB, and thankfully Scott was able to be there with me. We had an ultrasound and our absolute worst fear came true. There was no heartbeat in our little baby.  

I was heartbroken, I remember trying to hold it together, and my doctor (who is the sweetest man and doctor) sat there, held my hand and told me that it was nothing that I had done, that the baby would always be mine, and that one day I would be able to hold my  baby.  As I sat there in that room, and saw my best friend holding my miracle baby, Wes, my heart was so grateful for those boys and I knew that the baby we had lost, was indeed part of our family and that one day I was going to be able to hold that baby, to raise that baby and to tell him/her how much I love them.

The details of the next few days are some of the most difficult and challenging times that I have ever had through my life.  I am so grateful that I had Scott there with me the whole time.  I knew that he was hurting just as much as I was, and it was a growing experience for him and I.  I will forever treasure the long talks that we had in those days and the blessings we have received since.

I have had too many friends lose babies, whether it be in early pregnancy, stillbirth, or infancy and I can say that without a doubt they are some of the strongest women I have ever met!  To all of you, thank you for being an example of strength to me!

As I type this, and think about my baby, I know that my baby is waiting for me, watching over me, and one day he/she will be waiting to run into my arms and I will never let them go.  Until that day, I will live my life trying to be the best woman, wife, and mother!


LaNell said...

They say, "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger." Some days I think I'd like to be a little weaker. Hang in there.

Heidi Gardner said...

I can't even imagine how you must feel but as I read your post I shed some tears in your behalf. Loves to you and your sweet family.